Avoiding Roller Coasters

What a hard couple of days transitioning - whatever the heck that means.

I have only been on a couple of roller coasters in my life...and I have avoided going on more over the years. I don't like the multiple emotions and physical reactions that you experience in the process. I found myself doing the same the last days at work. I could not deal with the feelings of anger, regret, relief, anticipation, fear, excitment, sadness, pride, etc. that kept cropping up whenever I ran into someone. So the best way to deal with it was to avoid......

Even avoiding did not keep me off the roller coaster. I saw people that I know made a difference in my life and those I know I did the same. I saw the folks I coached and made the not so subtle suggestions of what to do or how to look at something differently, and I just smiled and kept walking. I looked at all the cards in my 'feels good' folder and laughed at some, cried over others and felt joy that I had so many folks that cared about me and knew I cared about them - and then I put all of the cards and saved momentos in the recycle bin. I listened to people tell me how much they will miss me and don't understand what the company is doing and I half heartedly kept the company line as I pushed down with the smile those 'maybe something was wrong with me' feelings. And then I took my foot out of the DePuy door so that another one will open for me soon and walked to my car and left.

Having survived the many roller coaster rides of this last week....I have on my list to find a real one on my burning woman journey. I have ridden on the flats of the track, experienced the drag that happens trying to get to the top and then the fear when everything is going so fast as it is rushing down. And in the end, what I controlled in the process was how to deal with all of the feelings. I have not always done that in the way I would have been proud of, have often worried too much about others opinions, and have tried to conform to expecations, and did not let myself feel the joy and anger ......but at the end of it all...I was in the car. The next ride, I am going to scream at the top of my lungs as I go up and down and not care if anyone thinks I am a crazy person or not. I know I am having my burning woman experience and that because of it, I cannot be the same.

Roller coasters are out there.....and I am going to seek them out rather than avoid them. Of course knowing that there is a glass of wine or something good to enjoy after the ride will be a good incentive too.